The blaring alarm
Signals the start of my day
And though I’d rather lay back
Within the comfort of my sheets
I cannot help but rise
To greet the morning Sun
I wake up
Much too early
Than I actually should
But you see
I enjoy the quiet lull of the mornings
And the peace it brings
If it means losing
A few hours of sleep
I do not mind
If I am tired and weary
It’s only a reminder
That I am alive
The blaring alarm
There was a part of me that never wanted any of this to change, but it did. It’s foolish to think that it won’t. You see, everything in life is temporary or at least most things are. People will always come and go. The places we call home are soon replaced by the next. In time, the ones we love can grow to become the very people we despise. Things change drastically as we grow older whether it’s our tastes, personalities, views, and goals. It’s all different now, and that’s just how life is.
In the end, change is the only real constant in this crazy ride. But if you had to ask, I’m not sure how I feel about it. For better or worse, change is necessary in our lives, that much I know but don’t we all have something that we wished could stay the same? Perhaps it’s silly and childish to hold onto such a thing, but hey, I’ve always been a kid at heart. Speaking of which, I always found that to be a silly saying. I think that deep down, everyone has a child in them somewhere. We’re often in such a rush to grow up that we forget it’s there, but I digress.
Looking back, it’s scary to see how much I’ve changed along the way. Did you know that there was once a time when I wanted to become a veterinarian? I wanted to spend my days helping animals in any way that I could. Of course, I was only a kid at the time so that soon changed. There was even a time when I wanted to become a composer, but to tell you the truth, I never had any talent in music. Lately, I’ve been thinking about teaching too, but after dealing with kids where I work now, I can’t say it’s my cup of tea. The one thing I’ve thought of the most between all that was writing though. Needless to say, I love to write, but pursuing a career in it is a different story. I don’t know about talent in that regard, but I’ve certainly had a lot of practice to say the least.
Well, here’s to hoping for the best.
I tried out archery for the first time a couple days back, and it was an interesting experience to say the least. A few friends took me out to it in the spur of the moment, and during that time I really enjoyed myself. Firing a bow is surprisingly easy once you get the hang of it, though hitting your target is a different story. Sadly, I couldn’t land any bulls eyes on my end, but I did get close. For a first timer, I’d like to think I did rather well.
It’s so easy to forget about the world and everything else around you when you’re standing in front of your target with a drawn bow in hand, so simple to leave aside life’s worries and escape into a different world of your own. As I stood there, ready to fire, there was nothing else around but the target before me, and with everything else I have swarming through my mind it was such a sweet escape.
I love the idea of love, and yet, the idea of falling in it frightens me to no end. We all dream of finding a love like the ones we see in fairy tales, but the reality of it is, love is fickle and fleeting. Yes, I’ve been hurt before because of love like so many others, but I don’t despise it. Not at all, but if given the chance, I’d rather avoid it myself. You see, I’ve never been very good at this sort of thing. Firsthand experience has taught me that all too well, and as time passed on I naturally grew to fear it.
I’d like to think that I’m content enough with the way my life is, working, going to school, and spending the occasional day with my friends. The way I see it, I don’t really want a relationship with the way things are now. If anything it’d only cause me trouble. That’s what I tell myself anyway, and because of that I’ve developed this awful tendency of pushing people away whenever I find myself growing too close to them. I don’t always realize it at first, but when I do I end up distancing myself from them.
I know that what I’m doing is no better than running away, but let’s face it, I’m a coward. In the end, I also feel that I am too inexperienced with love, or people in general. I haven’t met enough people in my life being the introvert that I am. If I went diving head over heels for any girl that showed me the slightest signs of affection, then any relationship I found myself getting into would go absolutely nowhere.
There’s too much on my mind right now as it is, and if I can’t sort my own life together, how can I possibly invite someone else into this mess? I am not ready for love, relationships, or anything of the sort and I’m alright with that. Everything will come in due time, but for now I have other things to worry about.
I believe I’ve figured out why I’ve been having so much difficulty lately when it comes to my writing. I’m constantly second guessing and comparing myself to others, and as a result I begin to delete and scrap my work just as it’s being composed because I feel it’s subpar to theirs. I suppose a part of me always knew that this was the case. I was just too stubborn to actually admit it and come out with my problems. It’s a horrible habit, yes, but admitting you have a problem is the first step after all. My solution to this? Well, it’s simple really. I’m doing this for me, so everyone else can go fuck themselves. Of course, saying all that is a lot easier than it sounds. Old habits die hard, and overcoming this mindset will be much more difficult than I make it out to be. Nevertheless, I’m sure I’ll get there in due time.
Y’know, I really wouldn’t mind laying under the stars beside you right now. Truth be told, I think I need that comfort more than anything.
They say that home is where the heart is, but if that’s the case, can this place really be called a home? As I sit here in my room writing this out, I feel uneasy and anxious. It’s been like this for the past several days now, and it’s unlikely that it’ll go away anytime soon if ever. After all, how can we possibly repair something like this? You’d have to be a fool to think that we can go back to how things were before, not that it was much better in the first place.
We were never much of a family, and I couldn’t even believe it could grow any worse until now. The conversations over dinner are so forced it makes me cringe, and I can’t even stand seeing the two of you together anymore. More than ever, it feels like I’m lingering within a prison. I feel like shit, and I can’t even find it in me to do the things I once enjoyed anymore. Even writing has become a hassle nowadays, but I need to vent somehow. If I don’t, I fear I’d go insane. It’s difficult to sleep, and each day is more tiring than the next. How much longer must this go on?
It’s been a long time since I wandered across the empty streets in the dead of night, but after such a long day I felt I needed some time away from home. I certainly didn’t expect to see your name displayed over the screen of my phone along the way as I heard it ring, but it was a nice little surprise. Tonight was the first night we ever really spoke to one another. I wish it could have been on better terms, but I’m thankful you took the time out of your day to get back at me in my time of need. Things have been rough lately to say the least, and being able to get even a part of it off my chest is a godsend.
It was actually the first time in years that I was able to open up to someone like that. I’ve always had a knack for bottling up my emotions, and outside of my writing I never did speak of them much if at all. Our chat together was nice nevertheless. I didn’t expect it to flow so well, haha. I dunno, I’ve always been a rather awkward person so I guess I was just surprised that it went so smoothly, but to be fair we have known one another for a few good years now. I wouldn’t mind doing it again sometime though.
Sleep well, and thank you again for your time.
How long does it take for a good memory to turn sad? I suppose it’s hard to say, but as I look back on certain intervals in my life I can’t help but feel a little sad. Perhaps it has to do with my longing for the past. To relive the days I spent with a band of people I once held more dear than anyone else. There’s so much I wanted to do with them back then, so much I wanted to say, and now the moment has passed. We had our fun, but I can’t help but yearn for more. The days we spent together were so short lived, but that’s what made it so special. Knowing that I could spend even a fleeting moment of my life in your company without a care was sweet and utter bliss.
I’m not sure if I’ve changed very much since those days, but whether that’s a good or bad thing is still left unsaid. One thing’s for sure, the ache has never truly left. It may have dulled, but it’s still there and sometimes I can’t help but wonder if it’ll ever go away. Truth be told, I have my doubts. While a part of me wants to believe that it’ll disappear one day, another knows that’s nothing more than wishful thinking. After all, that’s life, right? Good or bad you take the cards you’re dealt with and you make the best of it. I’m still trying to figure out what to do with my hand though.