They say that ignorance is bliss, but if that’s the case I’d rather bear the burdens of the truth than to wrap myself up within a lie. I am not happy, nor have I ever been completely content with my life. Regardless of everything that’s happened I sincerely believe that it’s worth living and always will be, but that doesn’t make things any easier. My own insecurities and shortcomings continue to eat away at me with each passing day, and I’ve grown numb to the various means of escape I’ve used in the past. Back then I used to find comfort in the presence of my friends. There was never a time when I spoke to them about my scars, but it felt good enough to have them there by my side that I didn’t need to. It was nice, but good times can only last for so long. Now I can’t help but wonder if my presence is so fleeting they wouldn’t so much as bat an eye if I were to disappear. The thought of disappearing is strange now isn’t it? In the past that may have been all I ever wanted, but once I found a reason worth staying for I clung onto it so desperately. Perhaps I brought this all on myself, but I can’t help it at times. There’s always this hope y’know? But as I look back nothing’s really changed for me. My emotional health is constantly plummeting in a downward spiral, and I don’t know what to do about it. In truth, I doubt I ever did.
The moments we spend away from our bitter feelings in the presence of those who bring us nothing but laughter and joy is one of the best highs that life has to offer. Yet, the moment they’re gone the bitterness we once pushed aside begins creeping up behind us again. It follows us around like a growing shadow, one that threatens to swallow us whole if we dare look back. And it is in these moments that we realize how alone we truly are. I am afraid. Afraid of falling back into the darkness. Afraid of being overtaken by its ice cold embrace. In the end, I am alone. Nothing’s changed at all.