Once upon a time, I used to love writing. It was the only thing that I was remotely good at, and being able to finally express myself put me at ease. You see, I’ve always had a knack of keeping things bottled in. It’s difficult for me to talk to people about my feelings, so for years I’d just shove all the negative emotions I had in my life deep down and go on with my day like any other. As I began writing about it, I finally gave myself a chance to confront the very demons I hid away. I can’t even begin to tell you how good it felt to finally get my thoughts out there and rid myself of the shackles that had been holding me down for so long, but things are different now.
Now, I can barely even push myself to wring out a post these days without deleting it a few minutes later, or jot down in my notebook without feeling the need to tear out its pages and crumple it up for the trash thanks to the harsh criticism that follows in the back of my mind. Low self-confidence is obviously the culprit here, as it’s always been, but as of late it’s gotten worse which is really saying a lot if you knew how bad it was before. And after a while, it really takes a toll on you. Each day is as mentally draining as the last, and when I’m not battling my confidence, it’s the anxiety and depression that gets to me. Usually, all three prefer to gang up on me at once though. Not a very fair fight, but life isn’t always fair. Everything’s a fucking mess, and I’m tired. I’m really, really tired. What am I supposed to do when the one thing I loved makes me detest myself? When I can’t even write without berating myself for every little thing I’ve done wrong.
I want to talk to someone for once, but I can barely express myself in person. The only way I know how is through paper. I do not seek understanding or sympathy. I merely want someone to listen to what I have to say, that’s all. Just an ear, and perhaps a shoulder to lean on. It’s been really rough as of late, and I just want to hear someone say that it’ll be alright. Maybe not now, or even later, but one day. One day, things will be alright.